I took a huge step today. I really want everyone to know because it was a REALLY big deal for me, and I’m super excited about the Lord working in my heart! For the first time since separating from my husband (October 2008), I allowed him to visit my home. My home that has been my private place, my refuge from the world. My home where I’ve only allowed people that I really trust to visit. My home. With my things.
Originally I was supposed to just pick him up and the girls and I would go eat somewhere with him…his treat. When he brought up the idea of want to watch a movie with me…at my house…I was a bit taken aback and totally unprepared. For some reason I said yes. I figured there’s only one way to start trusting God in this situation and that’s to jump out of the safe zone and do it. So as I’m driving us all back to my safe haven, I’m nervous, apprehensive, mistrusting and pretty scared. I felt like I was letting a stranger in my house. I know he’s not. I mean I’ve been married to him for almost 8 years. But this Husband is not the same Husband he was three months ago. Hence, he’s a stranger.
We decided to watch Fireproof…appropriate for our situation. Wow, what a movie! Husband and I cried while our children slept. We talked and cried some more. Husband and I both related to the characters in that movie in some form. Late in the movie when Caleb (Kirk Cameron) addresses his wife after she’s found the 40 Day Dare book, Catherine (the wife) says to her husband that he’s not acting normal. She was looking at him like he was a puzzle, like she was trying to find her husband…her REAL husband. I was thinking how I could relate to that sentiment. Who is this man? This new creature. Caleb responds to his wife in that scene by saying, “Welcome to the new normal”.
‘Aha!’ I thought. What a concept! Normal. What is that? I really have no experience, no understanding of what is ‘normal’ for a godly family because I’ve never really been in one. How cool! How awesome! How exciting that this man, Husband, could be my new normal! He WANTS to be with me! He wants to be the leader, the head of our family. He wants to guide us. He wants to be reliable, dependable, loving, respectable, the provider, a godly husband and father. AND he has every single tool he needs! Most importantly he wants to serve the Lord through our marriage!
So I’m still not quite sure who this man is, but I think I like him. Somehow, while it was still very strange to have Husband in my home, it was ok. It was a blessing. It was a beginning. Not a beginning of me trusting Husband but a beginning of me relinquishing control of the situation to the Lord. A beginning of forgiveness. And, hopefully, a beginning of our family’s new normal.