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A Change In Season

Then he said to him, “Rise and go; your faith has made you well.

Luke 17:19

I think I’m a pretty good person (as people go I suppose).  I have tendencies to feel self righteous, to feel vindicated….to feel right.  I know it’s so not kosher to admit that.  We’re supposed to be humble.  We’re supposed to say that we’re not all that wonderful and fess up to all of our flaws, and I do.  I really do.  However, I all to often put my faith in me.  I mean I have faith in God.  I believe the seasons will change and the flowers I see this year will bloom again next.  I believe my children will arise every morning in pretty much the same condition that I put them down to bed in.  I have faith that I will rise each morning.  I believe that the Earth will continue to rotate on its axis and that the sun will rise and set each day.  I believe these because I’ve seen them happen thousands of times.  If confronted with a given situation, though, would I have faith that God would make me well?  Or rather do I now? If I was presented with a situation in which I had never encountered, in which I had never seen an outcome, would I have faith?  Would I really trust God with it?

There are so many things about my life and about me that aren’t well.  And yet again I am faced with the question of why certain aspects of my life haven’t been made well.  I feel entitled to some wellness.  I’ve suffered.  I’ve fought.  I’m tired.  I’ve given and given and given.  At least I feel like I have.  And I can honestly say that I so often question if God will make me well, will make my life well.  And therein lies the problem, or problems, rather.  Faith and me.  Faith is such a crazy word.  It may take only a mustard seed of faith to be enough, but honestly sometimes my mustard seed seems gigantic.  Sometimes I struggle just to muster up that mustard seed of faith.

As  I enter yet another season of life, one that will no doubt be full of changes, ups, and most likely a bunch of downs, I am challenged in my faith and in my quest for God.  There are just some things that aren’t like the change in season.  They haven’t happened before.  And so it is up to me to have faith anyway, to trust that a way will be made known, that wisdom will be imparted, and that whatever decisions I make will be the best possible ones, and that if they’re not, God will help me through the aftermath of them.  And at the end, when the dust has settled and my eyes are clear, hopefully I will be able to say “My faith made me well.”

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Seasonal Giddiness

“Nature gives to every time and season some beauties of its own; and from morning to night, as from the cradle to the grave, it is but a succession of changes so gentle and easy that we can scarcely mark their progress.”

Charles Dickens

I have found that I get giddy when I know the seasons are changing.  Sometimes I’m that way even during the season.  I never really noticed it until this year, but I wait, in anticipation, for the changing of the seasons.  Partly, I suppose, because I am aware of what each season holds and partly because I don’t.  I don’t know if spring will be short and the flowers will die quickly or if, like this spring, we’ve had plenty of time to enjoy the new life that has sprung forth.  I also associate certain happenings with spring….Easter, the arrival of warmer weather, daylight savings time, evening walks and longer outside play, grilling out, and more time with friends.  I do this with each season.  Each season I feel giddy.  Each season I love for it’s own possibilities, it’s on uniqueness, and it’s own happenings.  Granted, I’m always a little hesitant to let go of summer, but I do (eventually) fully embrace each season.

I wonder, too, if the butterflies I feel in the pit of my stomach occur not only because of the changing of the physical seasons but also because of the changes in the seasons of my life.  Admittedly, I am not always so excited about these, but when I look forward, I do have a sense of excitement, of anticipation.  What will the next season bring?  What changes will happen?  What progress will be made?  Where will our lives be next spring?  And life is so much stranger as an adult.  As an adult, I notice the time passing, the seasons changing.  It goes more quickly with each passing year almost as if each year is getting shorter and shorter.  It helps me to think on those tough seasons of life more realistically, short and passing, despite how long they may feel at the time.

Like the changing weather, my changing life changes in so many subtle ways each day that I scarcely know it’s happening until it’s done and dusted.  Each season only lasts for a while and then it’s suddenly the next.  The actual change is subtle, but the realization is sudden.  I hope that it is always that way, that the seasons of my life will pass subtly and that I will, at some point, realize that they did.

This one actually looks kind of autumnal, but it’s really the blooms on our red maple!

Change

changeI’ve had a lot of changes in the past year or seven. I have to say I haven’t really taken any of them well or with the grace I wish I could have. I quit school to get married, had (and lost or quit) eight jobs, moved four times, had two children, lost one child, lost 50 pounds, gained 80, lost 40 again, gained friends, lost friends, started smoking, quit smoking, started, and (thank God) quit again, and, most recently and tragically, my husband and I separated.

The point of all that is to say, that I am wonderfully blessed! All those changes and the ones to come are part of the Lord’s plan for me, for each of us. I have been forced to accept change…something I so dreaded…change. That word always (and sometimes still does) made me want to hyperventilate. I’m NOT a go with the flow kind of gal. I’m a dig-your-heels-in-drag-me-kicking-and-screaming kind of person. Well, God did.  And boy am I glad! Thank you Lord for overcoming my fear of change!  And thank You for constantly making changes in me!  I know that out of mourning will come celebration and that out of darkness will come hope!

CHANGE

There comes a time of parting -—
Portent of different ways;
a difference in Season,
new patterns for our days.

That time at hand, brings mourning
until the New arrives.

Then comes Celebration,
horizons opening out;
new Possibility becomes
an apt reverberation.
Mourning scarce survives.