What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from the desires that dwell within you? James 4:1
The past four weeks have been enlightening….mostly for me but I’m sure for Bloke too. I think I’ve learned more about myself in the past weeks than I have in my entire twenty eight years of living. The big “move in” was scary, but guess what? We’re ok. We’re both still alive and have not suffered any physical harm. It HAS been terribly and painfully difficult, but also a huge blessing. So here’s what I’ve learned thus far:
1. I have discovered that I am (and have been) a spoiled brat. You know when people say, “oh, those kids are spoiled, but they’re not brats. They really are good with what they’re given.” They’re weren’t talking about me. I realized that the reason I’ve been so irritable and hostile towards my husband these past weeks (no, it’s not just PMS) is because up until the time he moved back in, I got to do what I want, how I want, when I want. This has deluded me into thinking I’m in control when I’m not.
2. I learned that being spoiled and being a brat are both wrong and not godly. It’s not ok to serve me. And I DON’T deserve _________________ (I could leave the blank much longer but then I wouldn’t finish this post. Know that what goes in the blank are good things, i.e. perfect husband who does everything I want when I want – although that’s not really good). I deserve death and hell, but I’ve been saved from that by the grace of God.
3. I’m a control freak. I mean really really bad. I mean to the point that I have been unable to progress as a Christian, as a godly wife, and as godly mother….to the point that has created significant dissention between Bloke and I. I don’t really need to drive simply so we can go five miles an hour faster. And I don’t need to dress/feed/clean the children because I do it better.
4. I’ve learned that I don’t need Bloke to be all that I expect him to be. I need to not expect at all. Anything above nothing is a blessing.
5. I’ve learned that I DO need to expect from the Lord. I need to expect Him to keep His promises because He really will…whether i believe it or not.
6. I’ve learned that I’m a pretty awful wife…despite what I thought previously, and that Bloke is now a pretty great husband, despite what everyone else thought previously.
7. It is actually possible to have and give grace….I, unfortunately, have learned that I get a thousand times more than I give. Something else to work on.
8. I’ve learned that I can boil down every single fight, quarrel, and struggle down to a desire that I/he/we have let become a demand. This is not godly.
9. I’ve learned that, despite our trials, struggles, fights, tears, and pain over the past few weeks, that the Lord was always with us. He led us to forgive. He led us back to reconciliation. He gave us grace and helped us move forward. And our struggles are for the fight to glorify God in our marriage (does that make our fights godly? Hmmm, no, definitely not…I don’t think.)
I know my husband isn’t the perfect Christian. He’s not even the Christian I have hoped for. However, he’s saved and transforming. He’s a work in progress. He’s glorifying God. He’s showed me so much love, grace, and kindness over the pat four weeks that I can’t even begin to explain. He loved me when I threw bubbles out the window at him (please don’t ask). He loved me when I threw a tantrum in our kitchen(again, you really don’t want to know). He loved me when I screamed at him at the top of my lungs. And I know for sure that this man is not the same man I married. And he’s certainly not the same man from six months ago. I also know that he’s not going to be the man that he is now forever. God will continue to grow him and change him into the godly leader, husband, and father that we need….not the one I want, but the one we NEED.
I am hoping in Christ that while He is sanctifying my Bloke, that he will change me. I pray that the Lord will make ME the godly wife and mother that my family needs…that He will rid ME of my wants, needs, and bratty deeds. Bloke is certainly not perfect, but no one is or ever will be. He’s the man that God gave me, and I am ever so thankful.
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:32