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A Mourning of Celebration

So it’s my second daughter’s first birthday! Really she ought to be thankful she made it that far….I mean there were times..well, anyway. I am a bit in mourning, just as I was with my first daughter’s first birthday. I don’t know why but the first birthday brings about thoughts of loss of innocence…that sweetness. I know in reality she’s not really any different today than she was yesterday, but my mind and heart tell me that something significant happened today. She was born, yes. That was pretty significant. But now she’s on her way to becoming a little girl, to knowing the truths of life.

In some ways this brings so much sadness because she will know the wickedness of the world. But in some ways it is, I have only just come to recognize, a celebration. There are so many wonderful things that she has to look forward to….including knowing the Lord and how magnificent He is!

I’ve found more and more how selfish I am with regards to my children getting older. Yes, I don’t want them to be exposed to the wickedness (even that, in some ways is selfish..to deny them the growth that would come from such knowledge and experience). But really…I just want them for my own. I want them both to stay just the way they are with soft, sweet smelling skin, cute giggles and soft sighs, innocent eyes. I want to hear Twinkle Twinkle Little Star forever. I want them to play with toys that make lots of noise and make instruments out of pots and pans. I want my baby to be a baby. I want her to sleep in footie pajamas forever and stay small enough to sleep in her crib. I want to rock her..both of them. I want them to nuzzle me, play under the blankets, jump on the couch, ride on the dog’s back, eat cheerios off the floor, and I want them to need me. That’s it really. They love ME. Unconditionally. Right now they are the most forgiving and loving that they’ll ever be simply because they don’t know anything else. How selfish. But true.

I am reminded how God loves us. I think I couldn’t hold anymore love…any bigger a love than the love I have for my children. And it’s so very selfish…even the unselfish bits are selfish. God’s love is so different. He loves us and WANTS us to grow up in Him…to know Him, learn about Him, and have a relationship with HIM….not to stay as babies but to mature in our faith. And He wants it not just for His sake, but for OURS. I do so hope He will give me that same pure, completely unselfish desire for my children…the desire always for them to grow up.

Until then, I must say:

Lord, please let this day not end.
Lord, one more moment send.
So my children one and three
Will forever and always be.

sleeping-at-11-months

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