This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping
Now that we’re here,
It’s so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we’re here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.
– Staind, “So Far Away”
So it’s been a month. And I’m wondering when I will stop comparing this life to the last, when I will stop saying, “It’s been ___ months now.” I cannot deny that I’m so much happier, that pretty much everyone is so much happier. It’s such an odd state of affairs. Most people’s response to the news is, “I’m sorry.” But I can’t respond the same. And I’m not ashamed. Of course, there are parts of me, corners of my heart that will always be sorry, that will most likely always be sad, but not really for the same reasons that other people are for us.
We’re making it through, and it’s not as tough as I thought it would be. A month ago really does seem so far away and the change in my heart has happened quickly. There are places in there that have been awakened that I never even knew existed, or perhaps forgot they existed. Most days that awakening overcomes all of the hurt, the pain and doubt.
There is still so much uncertainty, but that’s ok. The uncertainty will strengthen my faith (hopefully soon) and keep my fire burning. I’m learning to embrace the uncertainty, to accept that it’s ok to not know what the rest of my life looks like. It’s totally fine to not know where I’m supposed to go from here. It’s ok to know what I desire so desperately and to not know if that’s in God’s plans for my life. It hurts some, and that’s ok too. I have to accept that this is my life and while it is so vastly different from what I ever wanted, while it is not in any shape or form what it once was, it’s still mine…and it’s still life. It’s good. It’s blessed. And there is so much more of it to live.
“Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God Himself”