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Two Weeks In

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When a heart breaks, no it don’t break even…

-The Script

I cleaned like I lived there again.  The echoes of the girls’ voices as they played in empty rooms was unnerving. I kept cleaning. Every room holds a memory. Even as I cleaned the bathroom, I thought about all the baths I gave the girls in that tub. Sometimes I jut threw them in, closed the shower curtain, and sat on the toilet seat playing sudoku on my phone. It was nice to just listen to them in there. I’m not sure I said 10 words to them until about 2 hours in when I finally decided to ask Big Love if she missed the “old” house. I was kind of relieved when she said no.

I think people so often have a misconceived idea about broken relationships. It’s so easy to think that it’s like the movies because where would the writers get their ideas from if not from real life, right? The truth is it’s not like the movies. The truth is that even the person that makes the decision to leave is heartbroken, quite possibly even more so than the other half.  It’s not always this big relief.  In some ways, yes, but in a lot of ways no.  The truth is that, while most days I’m fine, there are ones that release wave after wave of emotions of all kinds, thoughts of all kinds, and on those days, it’s so hard to keep it together.  In fact, I usually don’t.

I look at all the heartache and hardships this decision has cost…not just me, but The Husband, my family, even my friends (kudos to my awesome friends, by the way, for sticking with me so well! I love you!).  And sometimes it’s hard to continue to say this was the right decision.  All the other chaos makes it look like it’s not.  But The Husband noticed Big Love’s dimples were showing again when she visited, something he hadn’t seen in a long time.  I’ve missed those dimples too.  I could see the heartache in him when he told me.  He had a bad day.  Just like me.  So the truth is that, the heart really doesn’t break even.  It’s not one-sided, and it’s not always a clean break.  The relationship is still a relationship.  It’s just different.  And it’s just as complicated as it was (if not more so) than before the heartbreak.  And despite all of that, I can still sift through all the pain, heartache, all the burdensome weight that sits on my chest, all the missing and reminiscing, all the memories… and  maintain that it was the right decision.  Sometimes it just takes a while for all the sand to settle…

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