Meet Emerson! She recently turned 1! Her birthday bash was most certainly one to remember. Pretty pretty pink everywhere! White Family, thank you so much for letting me in on this wonderful event and important part of your lives as a family! Happy Birthday, Emerson!
Monthly Archives: March 2011
This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping
Now that we’re here,
It’s so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we’re here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today.
– Staind, “So Far Away”
So it’s been a month. And I’m wondering when I will stop comparing this life to the last, when I will stop saying, “It’s been ___ months now.” I cannot deny that I’m so much happier, that pretty much everyone is so much happier. It’s such an odd state of affairs. Most people’s response to the news is, “I’m sorry.” But I can’t respond the same. And I’m not ashamed. Of course, there are parts of me, corners of my heart that will always be sorry, that will most likely always be sad, but not really for the same reasons that other people are for us.
We’re making it through, and it’s not as tough as I thought it would be. A month ago really does seem so far away and the change in my heart has happened quickly. There are places in there that have been awakened that I never even knew existed, or perhaps forgot they existed. Most days that awakening overcomes all of the hurt, the pain and doubt.
There is still so much uncertainty, but that’s ok. The uncertainty will strengthen my faith (hopefully soon) and keep my fire burning. I’m learning to embrace the uncertainty, to accept that it’s ok to not know what the rest of my life looks like. It’s totally fine to not know where I’m supposed to go from here. It’s ok to know what I desire so desperately and to not know if that’s in God’s plans for my life. It hurts some, and that’s ok too. I have to accept that this is my life and while it is so vastly different from what I ever wanted, while it is not in any shape or form what it once was, it’s still mine…and it’s still life. It’s good. It’s blessed. And there is so much more of it to live.
“Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God Himself”
When a heart breaks, no it don’t break even…
I cleaned like I lived there again. The echoes of the girls’ voices as they played in empty rooms was unnerving. I kept cleaning. Every room holds a memory. Even as I cleaned the bathroom, I thought about all the baths I gave the girls in that tub. Sometimes I jut threw them in, closed the shower curtain, and sat on the toilet seat playing sudoku on my phone. It was nice to just listen to them in there. I’m not sure I said 10 words to them until about 2 hours in when I finally decided to ask Big Love if she missed the “old” house. I was kind of relieved when she said no.
I think people so often have a misconceived idea about broken relationships. It’s so easy to think that it’s like the movies because where would the writers get their ideas from if not from real life, right? The truth is it’s not like the movies. The truth is that even the person that makes the decision to leave is heartbroken, quite possibly even more so than the other half. It’s not always this big relief. In some ways, yes, but in a lot of ways no. The truth is that, while most days I’m fine, there are ones that release wave after wave of emotions of all kinds, thoughts of all kinds, and on those days, it’s so hard to keep it together. In fact, I usually don’t.
I look at all the heartache and hardships this decision has cost…not just me, but The Husband, my family, even my friends (kudos to my awesome friends, by the way, for sticking with me so well! I love you!). And sometimes it’s hard to continue to say this was the right decision. All the other chaos makes it look like it’s not. But The Husband noticed Big Love’s dimples were showing again when she visited, something he hadn’t seen in a long time. I’ve missed those dimples too. I could see the heartache in him when he told me. He had a bad day. Just like me. So the truth is that, the heart really doesn’t break even. It’s not one-sided, and it’s not always a clean break. The relationship is still a relationship. It’s just different. And it’s just as complicated as it was (if not more so) than before the heartbreak. And despite all of that, I can still sift through all the pain, heartache, all the burdensome weight that sits on my chest, all the missing and reminiscing, all the memories… and maintain that it was the right decision. Sometimes it just takes a while for all the sand to settle…